If You Give Loki a Headcanon
by Padaloki
Summary: ...Then he'll write his own fanfiction. One-shot, bit of a crack fic: In a burst of rage, Loki writes a scathing story about the Avengers, which leads to a little introspection and a lot of fluff.


**This is for the lovely author Tinker Bows :)**

**Credit for the idea and blame for the feels go to my friend Potkanka. **

* * *

Loki paced relentlessly across the cramped apartment, teeth bared and hands clenched into tight fists. Stupid, stupid mortals, always ruining his plans, always scurrying around in mindless circles, completely ignorant of the mighty god in their midst. He was a king, after all. Why did the silly little planet refuse to bow to him?

Of course, Loki knew the answer to that question; the thrice-cursed _Avengers._ Loki snarled at the very thought of that insolent little band, at the pretentious mortal 'heroes' who thought themselves a match for him, a _god._

They probably didn't even know how to spell 'Yggdrasil.'

Stark, the brainless meddler who fancied himself both a warrior and a man of science. Banner, the lumbering monster, pretending to hide himself from the world, but jumping at a chance to rejoin civiliation and pound another city to rubble. Romanov, the prickly little spy, thinking herself quite the little strategist. Barton, her disgustingly loyal boyfriend, acting as though Loki had somehow violated him by controlling his mind, when the archer himself had served SHIELD like a slaving dog for years. Rogers, the righteous, upright prig, who thought a potion and a fancy shield gave him license to lead the troupe of misfits. And Thor...

Loki slammed his fist into a wall, ignoring the flare of pain into his knuckles. Stupid, mindless, reckless, arrogant, conceited, _golden_ Thor. No matter what he did, what he said, how badly he dishonored Asgard, _Thor_ was always forgiven. Thor could start a war, spend a few days in Midgard, and return to Asgard as though all was normal.

Oh, how Loki _hated_ him.

A crumpled newspaper lay on the coffee table; a glance at it reminded Loki of the headlined emblazoned across the front page: AVENGERS SAVE CITY FROM ALIEN ATTACK. Idiotic, _brainless_ mortals. Did they not understand that Loki had come to rule them, to raise them to greater heights as a realm, to turn them from a rambling mob into a force to be reckoned with in Yggdrasil? But, of course, they flee in terror from Loki, sending the ragtag team of mutated egomaniacs christening themselves the 'Avengers,' and Loki's army of Chitauri is defeated with humiliating ease. That wasn't his fault, of course; he could have won if he'd only been given more soldiers. That went without saying.

Blood suddenly boiling, Loki growled with rage, grabbing the newspaper and smashing it into a crumpled wad, which he hurled out of the open window. Eyes flashing, he strode over to the plain desk, snatching a pen and a piece of paper.

"I shall give them something to put in there pathetic _news,"_ he snarled, uncapping the pen and unleashing a torrent of spiteful words.

_Once upon a time, there was a stupid mortal named Anthony Stark. He did nothing but drink and tinker around with what he called science. He had no friends and no prospects in life, except to grow fat from excessive profits and squander his wealth on drink._

_Then a glorious king descended to Midgard, offering peace and a chance at greatness. So, naturally, Stark obeyed the summons of the petty army styling itself as 'SHIELD,' and joined other similarly unintelligent mortals aboard the flying stable of which they are so proud._

_The commander, missing one of his eyes and all of his brains, introduced Stark to the other members of the hapless venture. Rogers gave a stiff greeting, a stiff handshake, and a stiff, condescending glare because he could smell the drink from several feet away. Romanov pretended to analyze Stark, then glared at him. Barton did the same, then stared at Romanov, who still does not understand after years of acquaintance that the man is madly in love with her._

"Mewling quim," Loki grumbled. "What spy cannot see the obvious?"

_Banner did nothing but twist his hands and pretend to carry on intelligent conversations with Stark. Thor merely grunted and swung his hammer, confused because there was no fighting yet._

_"Silence, children," Fury said, and immediately they all felt silent, in awe of the puny little one-eyed man. "We have a threat from a world better than ours who can rule us better than any human. So we are going to fight him, obviously, because our planet is much better off in its state of conflict and misery than as the shining kingdom that King Loki could build."_

_They all nodded their heads and clapped their hands, and hurried off to follow the precious director's orders._

_But soon, they discovered that such simple orders were too complex for their tiny minds to comprehend, and they began to argue amongst themselves. Thor wanted to wreak havoc with his hammer, regardless of what he damaged. Stark was drunk. The Captain looked down on the others as though his ridiculous little suit made him better._

_"Listen," he 'Captain' said loudly, "we are a team. We fight together. We will defend our world from the forces of progress and improvement. And if we cannot protect it, as unthinkable as that may be for such weaklings as we are, then we shall avenge it."_

_Stark staggered and leaned on a wall. "Shut up," he said, voice slurring with alcohol._

_The archer and the 'spy' moved closer together; the spy stared around in a threatening manner while the archer was engrossed by her figure._

_"This is pointless," Banner said, but no one listened to him._

_"Because no one listens to monsters," Loki muttered. And his voice was not trembling, thank you very much._

_And then they all began to bicker and argue so angrily that they did not notice that Banner was morphing into the green beast. The beast roared dumbly, then began to grab and smash. Everyone except Thor ran for cover. The beast pounded Thor through a wall before he could attack with his silly stupid hammer. Then the beast drove his fist into a giant bomb and it exploded and they all DIED._

Loki slammed the pen down on the desk. "Serves them right," he declared icily, standing and shoving the chair back. "Clueless oafs, they think to challenge me," he seethed. "Well, I shall show them what fools they are."

Loki strode to the window, curling his lips upward with distaste at the sight of the humans on the street below. "Nasty, snivelling little mortals... They deserve to die... I meant to _rule_ them! And what did they do? They treated me like common vermin, like - like a monster..."

He was pacing again. Loki's footsteps pounded angrily on the floor, quickening along with his anger. "And the Avengers, those silly litle idiots, I hate them, I _hate_ them, I -" Overcome with rage, Loki tore apart the paper he had just written on, ripping it to shredded ribbons that fell softly to the floor. "They will never stand in my way again! I will tear out their throats! I will destroy their city! I will write their names in their own filthy blood! I will make them pay! I will - I will -"

Loki stopped in the midle of the room, his tirade suddenly ceasing, to be replaced by a choking sob. Shaking with anguish, he fell to the floor, his face buried in his hands. "Why... Why do they h-hate me... I only ever w-wanted to help... But n-no one c-could love a m-monster..."

Hot tears burned against Loki's hands, and he screwed his eyes shut, ashamed of his weakness. The chasm in his heart, the gaping hole he had covered with years of anger and bitterness and rage had burst open, all his suppressed grief and loneliness spilling over and eroding away his walls of anger. He was so _lonely_... It had been so long since someone actually _cared_ about him...

Sobbing, he rose and returned to the desk, slumping into the chair and taking up the pen a second time.

_There was once a prince named Loki, and he was no different from anyone else in Asgard. Everyone loved him and praised him. The king and queen could never stop saying how proud they were of him, how he was just as good and strong as his brother. People loved to hear Loki speak, and they always listened to him and asked for his advice. Loki had more friends than he could count, and he was never lonely._

_Then one day Loki went to Midgard to help the humans. They were lost and confused and needed a leader. Loki helped them, and they loved him, and said he was strong and noble. One day he visited a large city, and he met all his brother's friends - Anthony Stark, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanov, and Clint Barton. They liked Loki and wanted to be friends with him. Stark said that Loki could stay in his tower whenever he liked. Romanov said that Loki was very wise, and Rogers said that he had a good heart._

_Loki decided to live in Midgard forever because he loved his friends and they loved him._

Loki's hand was shaking as he finished, both with embarrassment at his childishness and with a desperate hope. He set down the pen, taking the paper in his trembling hands and reading over his words. "Sentiment..." he muttered, wiping his eyes and pushing the paper away.

A crash sounded outside the door of his apartment. Loki jerked upright, standing and knocking over the chair. He cursed as a similar crash sounded from the window. How had the Avengers found him so quickly?

Gathering up a few of his belongings, Loki vanished with a small pop just as the door burst open to reveal the Avengers, with the exception of Hawkeye, who jumped in through the window. Tony Stark swore loudly when he realized that Loki had gone; Thor lowered his hammer in disappointment.

"Looks like he scarpered," Natasha said tonelessly, slipping her gun back onto her belt. "Just like last time."

"Why do we have to do this wild goose chase?" Tony grumbled. "Loki always teleports away as soon as we get here. Can't Fury assign a different team?"

Clint shrugged. "We got close this time. He was here a minute ago."

"Hey, look at this." Steve picked up a smudged piece of paper from the desk. "Loki wrote something."

"Oh, Shakespeare, now, is he?" Tony grumbled, snatching away the paper. He lifted the visor on his helmet, scanning the paper. His expression melted from disdain to confusion. "Guys, read this."

"What is it?" Thor asked, staring over Tonys' shoulder at the paper. "Has my brother left another threat?"

"No, it's not a threat," Tony said, bemused. "It's more like a SOS."

"SOS?" Clint repeated. "Loki's asking for help?"

"No, not really..." Tony's voice trailed off. "Unless I'm hallucinating, he actually wants to be friends with us."

"You are hallucinating." Clint slipped his bow over his shoulder. "How much did you drink last night?"

"My friends," Thor said, voice booming with happiness, "My brother is merely lonely. He does not wish harm upon your realm."

Natasha snorted. "Really? I have a hard time believing that." She took the paper from Tony. "What is this, a child's story?"

"Either that or his new way of giving death threats. Read it," Tony urged, watching with interest as the Widow's face softened at the words.

"Wow," she said, handing the paper to Bruce. "That's... unusual."

"Thanks, Sherlock," Tony replied. "Seriously, Thor, has your brother just been lonely this whole time? You could have told us that, like, before he destroyed half the city."

Thor shrugged. "I did not know. Loki has always been a puzzle to me."

Bruce frowned as his eyes scanned Loki's words. "I'm not a psychologist, but... Loki seems to be displaying a need for companionship. Has he had many friends, Thor?"

"None, save me," the thunder god replied. "My companions were never overly accepting of his presence."

"That would explain a lot," Steve said dryly. "It's not fun growing up with only a few people who will tolerate you."

"You actually believe what he wrote?" Clint asked, voice full of skepticism.

"I don't see a reason not to," Bruce said. "The psychology fits."

Clint raised his eyebrows. "So what do we do now? Act like we're his friends?"

"Brilliant idea, Katniss!" Tony exclaimed, patting Clint's shoulder. "I never could have thought of that on my own. What do you guys think?"

"It's worth a try," Bruce replied. Natasha waited a moment before nodding curtly.

"We've got nothing to lose," Steve said.

Tony grinned. "That's the spirit. What about you, Thor?"

"I too will befriend Loki, whether he wishes me to or not."

"Well, then, gang, let's head back and wait for more news of our prickly friend. Pun intended."

* * *

Three days passed before the Avengers heard any news of Loki. The evening was dark and stormy, and they had gathered in the sitting room to watch the newest episode of Downton Abbey.

"I'm telling you, this show is the best," Tony said as he turned on the TV. "And when I say the best, I mean the best."

"We know," Bruce said quickly. "You've said so ten times already."

"Only ten?" Tony grinned and picked up the remote, flipping through the channels.

Steve rose from his armchair. "I'll get the lights."

"Cap, for the last time, that's what Jarvis is for," Tony said with exasperation. "My goal is to have this tower free of physical labor by next Christmas."

Jarvis obligingly dimmed the lights before Steve had reached the switch. Grumbling, the captain turned only to see Loki standing in the doorway.

"And what might you be doing on this lovely evening?" Loki asked sarcastically. "Improving your minds by watching this drivel?"

"Hey, Loki," Steve said warmly. "Want to join us?"

"What?" Loki froze with shock.

"Yeah, come on over," Tony called. "There's room by me."

"And by me!" Thor exclaimed happily.

"Or over here, if you don't want to sit with those two," Bruce added.

Loki's eyes were wide. "I - what?"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Okay, princess. It's not that hard. Would you rather watch this incredible and amazing show with us or go back out and do something villainy out in the rain?"

"You - you cannot be serious."

"Oh, yes I can be."

"Come and join us, brother," Thor said kindly. "There is plenty of room."

Loki glanced around the room, hardly daring to believe his ears. "You actually want me to stay."

"Of course. But you must hurry, the 'episode' is about to begin!" Thor patted the empty space next to him on the couch.

Numb with surprise, Loki warily crossed the room and slid onto the corner of the couch, hugging his knees to his chest and glancing nervously at Thor. "Why?" he whispered.

"Why not?" Thor replied. He wrapped his arm around Loki's stiff shoulders.

Loki opened his mouth, then closed it again. There was a burning wetness at the back of his eyes; he blinked rapidly in an attempt to dispel it.

"What is wrong, brother?" Thor whispered.

"Nothing, I..." Loki bit his lip. "Thank you."

Thor grinned. "You are most welcome, brother."


End file.
